Broken

***this post has taken me several days to write due to the heartbreak I feel at this moment.  I have not kept silent purposely.  I have not kept silent due to being to busy to post.  I have only spent several days typing this out since I can barely make it a few lines without crying and walking away – this post has various parts so please bare with me***

John 3:16-17
16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. 17 For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. NKJV

Yes, even through all of the chaos, devastation, and heartbreak, one must still hold on to the scripture that God loves the world!  I have seen and heard so many questions as to how God could let this happen.  I must say God did not let this happen.  God is against all evil, but evil is and will always be a part of our world.  We have to trust that God loves us, and that HE will carry us through all troubling times!

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It is with a heavy heart that I have to type out this post today.  As a mom my heart breaks for the babies and families dealing with this crisis.  I only want to hold them all close and take it all away.  But I Can’t!  No one can.  I have spent days holding my own children.  Hugging them every chance I get, saying I love you constantly so they will surely know this.  Why?  Because the reality is that we never know!  We never know what is around the corner, what the future holds, when our lives on this earth will end.  All I know is that when that day comes I want my babies to know the depth of my love.

I look at my youngest and just cry.  He is the same age/grade as the victim’s of the shooting.  So innocent, so trusting, and only having just begun living his life.  One can not say words to describe the feelings we have.  One can not say words to comfort those in need of  comfort.  As a mom I can tell you that no words will matter!

As an employee of a public school I am heartbroken, scared, and furious!  I look at my babies at school daily and wonder why?  Why can’t we make schools safe?  Even with a state of the art security system dangers still threaten!  Why can’t we offer the services and support that kids/adults alike need.  I am a speech therapist.  Which means I work with children on the spectrum.  Several with Aspberger’s, mental illnesses, ODD, etc.  We are limited by government on what can be offered to these children that grow up with these disorders.  We can’t give them the help they need!  Unfortunately as long as our hands are tied by budgets and such we will never be able to give those suffering the help they need.

I will share a story with you.  A story of a mom that has a child with ODD, ADD, and mental illnesses.  A mom that is frightened of what her own child is capable of, not because he is raised in a bad environment, but because he can’t get help.  He can’t be hospitalized more that a few days.  This mom as shared her story of threats, attack, etc.  She has had to teach her other children to run and get in the car when he is irate just in case she needs to get them away from the house immediately.  It is sad when a parent lives with that fear.  She tries to hospitalize him, only to have him return home several days later.  What is she to do?  She loves him just as unconditionally as her other two children.  Her heart breaks for him, but she is so afraid that he will be the one on the news someday…..

I plead for everyone to just pray.  Pray for God’s grace in these situations.  Pray for Him to be with families that have to deal with the same situations.

Now to those people that have commented on the job the teacher’s did in protecting their students…..yes, this is a school employees reality.  We go through extensive training on protecting our children.  We have scenarios played out at the beginning of every school year to refresh out training on how to deal with various situations.  Yes our jobs can and do get dangerous.  Yes we are highly trained for the conditions.  Yes, unfortunately at times we still can not prevent things from happening.  We are only human.  I only touch on this because I have heard various comments about “wow I didn’t know a school job could be so dangerous”, “I am amazed at what the teachers did”, “how did they know to put kids in cabinets & closets”.  Many people do not realize what we are trained to deal with.  They think we only come to school to teach and that’s all we know.

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I would like to take a moment in this post and commend the teachers on their actions/jobs.  The nation knows the stories of the teachers that were slain in the shooting.  How one placed all the students in a cabinet and said they were in the gym, as well as the teacher’s aid that held her special needs student to her in an attempt to shield him, the other teachers that attempted to shield their class, the principal and psychologist that attempted to lunge at the shooter – may God hold them close in heaven. 

But let us not forget all of the other heroes.  The teacher that read a book to her class in the library to keep them calm.  One teacher that had her class in the bathroom and sang songs because she wanted it to be her voice they heard if they were shot.  The teacher that placed each of her student’s faces in her hands and said “I love you” one by one so that would be what they heard if they too were shot.  These are the heroes that do not get noticed.  They go unnoticed, fading in the background.  While I am not trying to take away from the victim’s I feel it is only right to commend them on a job well done.  They too are heroes for remaining calm, taking care of their student’s, and getting them to safety.  May God bless you and hold you close for comfort and peace!

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To the beautiful, innocent victims:

  1. Charlotte Bacon 
  2. Daniel Barden
  3. Olivia Engel
  4. Josephine Gay
  5. Ana Marquez-Greene
  6. Dylan Hockley
  7. Madeleine F. Hsu
  8. Catherine V. Hubbard
  9. Chase Kowalski
  10. Jesse Lewis
  11. Grace McDonnell
  12. Emilie Parker
  13. Jack Pinto 
  14. Noah Pozner 
  15. Caroline Previdi 
  16. Jessica Rekos
  17. Avielle Richman
  18. Benjamin Wheeler
  19. Allison N. Wyatt
  20. James Mattioli 

You are loved and missed by not only your families but our nation.  May you forever live in peace inside the beautiful kingdom of Heaven, and may you always be happy and healthy with God our father!

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